i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
the raccoons are back...
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