Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
