R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
