I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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