just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize