Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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