remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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