i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
