Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
