There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
