im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize