I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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