I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
