You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
3 2 1 whiskey
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
