I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
