I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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