Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
