Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
