My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
