You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
