Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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