I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
