I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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