Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
two words...techno handjob
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
