i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
