the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Randomize
