The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
