mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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