My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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