how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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