how hairy? two words: wookie tits
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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