I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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