I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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