I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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