I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
