I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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