She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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