I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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