All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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