I CAN MOONWALK!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize