Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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