you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
