awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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