Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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