Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Mom said you looked used
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
