speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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