I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
