hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
