There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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