I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
