i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
