please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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