Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
