Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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