He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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