Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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