and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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