I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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