We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
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