I smell stomach acid.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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