Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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